Special Interests & Relationships

As someone who has dated my fair share of neurodivergent individuals, I know how challenging it can sometimes be to understand your partner’s special interests. Here is an off-the-top-of-my-head, non-exhaustive list of some topics I’ve gained exposure to through a partner’s enthusiastic info-dumping related to a special interest:

• Elevators

• Machinery of all kinds

• Skateboarding 

• Cars/sports cars 

• Photography equipment 

• Cigars and accessories 

• Fine whiskey

• Luxury and haute couture menswear 

• Mechanical keyboards

• Pocketknives

• Aliens/UFOs

• Esoteric knowledge 

• Off grid living

Some of these topics are now interesting to me as the result of exposure. Others I could not care less about, and never did. 

I know way too much about fancy men’s clothes due to an ex-partner “info dumping.”

And that’s where it gets tricky. 

Because special interests are often a rich source of passion and intense focus for the person who has the interest. And when their partner does not really care to learn about their topic of interest, things can get sticky. 

So here are a few things I recommend to couples who are struggling with this dynamic:

1. The uninterested person must understand that their partner’s way of connecting, of inviting them into their world, often looks like subjecting them to a detail-rich lecture about a topic they love (“info-dumping”). This is not intended to bore them, make the conversation revolve only around certain topics, or force the uninterested partner to be equally passionate. The special interest partner may find a gratifying sense of connection through sharing information. So to reject the info-dumping can feel rejecting of the person. It’s their way of bonding. 

2. It is ok to have boundaries around how long to listen to the partner info-dump. Once I cried because my boyfriend at the time was explaining to me how an extremely specific (and irrelevant, to me) piece of machinery worked, and I just could not take it anymore. We were supposed to be getting dinner after the gym and instead we had been sitting in the car discussing this mechanism for way too long. Don’t let it get to this point. It is possible to set a gentle and loving boundary, such as, “hey, I can tell you’re so excited to talk about this, and I think it is pretty cool how much you know about it. I actually need to do XYZ/take a break/etc; can we talk about it again another time?” Or “I don’t really know everything you’re talking about, but I can tell it’s exciting to you! Thanks for sharing with me. Is it ok if we change the subject now?” A gentle delivery can go a long way towards maintaining a sense of connection. 

3. It might seem like the special-interest partner has an “addiction” to their special interests, whether it be luxury menswear items, or aliens, or skateboarding. Maybe they devote large amounts of their free time to researching minute differences among various items, learning about obscure theories, or watching endless videos related to the topic of interest. The amount of time and energy devoted to the special interest can definitely appear to enter addiction territory to an outsider. While smartphones and technology certainly have addictive properties, a special interest itself is not indicative of an addiction problem. Having special interests is completely normal for neurodivergent people. It’s different from an addiction, and isn’t something to be “cured.”

4. If the special interest person is consistently prioritizing their special interest activities over spending time with a partner, or a partner is otherwise feeling neglected, it’s very important to take these concerns seriously. Over time, feeling like you are competing with a special interest for someone’s attention and time is not going to be good for the relationship. The special interest person can learn to balance their partner’s need for quality time with their own interests.

Being a neurotypical partner to someone who is neurodivergent is a unique journey on many levels. Coming to terms with the importance of the partner’s special interests can be hard for many people, and embarrassing to discuss with others outside the relationship. Conversely, it can also be hard for the partner with a special interest to feel misunderstood, ashamed, or rejected by their partner for something that they can’t fully control. 

This is where couples therapy that specializes in supporting neurodivergent folks can be very helpful. A neutral space with a knowledgeable professional can go a long way towards rebuilding trust and suggesting ways for each person to support their partner. Usually by the time a couple gets to working with me, they have been struggling on their own for a while. It’s a relief for everyone when they take that first step towards a much-needed change.